White Lies
by Fate4Destiny
Summary: Ukitake was fully in love, then fate was too cruel for words. Centuries later, he still can't forgive fate. Ukitake x oc/ reader, Rukia x Ichigo. Contains blood, and a depressed Ukitake.
1. Chapter 1

So this story gets kinda depressing after this... So be warned now...

Eight hundred years ago~  
Jūshirō Ukitake's POV~

"Jūshirō, I'll kill you if you get drunk again."

I gave a small bow at the voice, trying to mask the effects alcohol already had on me. It was unsuccessful as I felt soft hands cup my chin. I gave a soft smile as she brushed my hair behind my ears.

"Hmm, what would I do without you?"

"Have more spare time because somebody promised me a sparring match."

She always did this in front of others. Take my love and return it as nothing more than friendship. All so she wouldn't tie me down, as she claimed. But always in the dark, when nobody could see us, she let all her walls break. And I would usually drown in that sweet love much more than I ever could with sake.

"I did promise you that, didn't I?"

"I'm not going to accept it when you're in this condition. Besides, I found this beautiful place. Want to come see with me?"

She took my hand in a soft grip and took a step forward. I matched her step to show I would follow and with a charming smile she began running. I gave a chuckle before chasing her down, stumbling slightly from the sake I already drunk. She stopped past a row of trees and I snaked my arms around her hips, taking advantage of the privacy the trees made. She leaned back in my arms slightly, smiling up at me.

"Jūshirō, never leave me."

"I promise on all I possibly can."

I brushed my lips against her cheek, the words not having an effect on me greater than 'I love you'. I made hundreds of blissful promises to her, and she made hundreds back to me. Sweet nothings which tied down my heart in ways that only made me happier.

"Jūshirō,"

"Hmm?"

I rested my head on her shoulder, her sweet scent filling me. I fought every possible urge to kiss the beautiful milky skin next to my lips. I gave up by making an agonizing cry of bliss and digging my head into her clothes.

"Are you alright?"

She had so much care to her voice as she toyed with my hair, making me murmur into her shoulder.

"I love you. Forever and always. Nobody can see us, may I show you?"

"I can't refuse that, can I?"

I gave a smile as I spun her around. I battled my urges again to smash my lips to hers. Instead I went slowly, letting her have plenty of time for a reaction. My lips lightly touched hers, and I felt her hands thread through my hair. Her lips were soft, warm, welcoming. I felt so complete, I never wanted to leave.

I had my hands on her lower back, rubbing circles which I felt her react to. She gripped my hair slightly, pulling on it. It was still light, but I wanted to feel more of it. I wanted all I could possibly have, to make this moment better than what even Heaven itself could ever offer.

Before I knew it she moved herself away, dropping her hands. I opened my eyes and saw that she was blushing. I stroked her cheek, running a finger over the light pink which made her that much more attractive.

"Why'd you pull away?"

I mussed over it while she gave me a shy smile.

"They're watching."

"They-? Shunsui!"

I spun around to find my best friend laughing, good-heartily though. Beside him Retsu was blushing to, but obviously glowing in glee. She played matchmaker, and that was how I found my love.

"You know she's shy."

"It's fine,"

My love gave a light laugh, her arms around my neck in an endearing attempt to hold me back.

"This has to be the best day of my life, Jūshirō. Thanks for being part of it."

"Mine to. I love you. I'll always be next to you, my darling."

I felt her softly kiss the back of my neck and the wind swept her hair into my face. I meant each and every promise I made. The only problem was, they were impossible to keep. And them breaking was the reason for sorrow after so many centuries.


	2. Chapter 2

Ukitake's personality gets a bit ooc at some parts, so you don't need to tell me that.

Present~

Her name was engraved in my heart and filled by the tears I shed. It was as if happiness had to fill a void, but could never reach the top because of cracks lacing the cup that held it.

When Kaien died those cracks split open to such a degree daylight seemed to create new ones. I needed power, I needed the strength to be able to avoid it all. Nobody who tried to save me could be hurt. Nobody as innocent and as sweet as her. Kaien wanted revenge and I allowed him a taste of having his anger placed on the one who caused it. The problem was, after all those at fault were gone, there was no one else to divert your raw emotions to. Nobody but yourself. An idea which didn't work very well when one of the people you befriended was a healer. Ignoring alcohol was impossible when your best friend drunk as often as possible.

The only way to continue my mourning in a way the world would think no wrong was self-denial. I wasn't allowed love, no romance, and I turned down countless offers of it. When Kaien's wife died I had no words to comfort him. When he sobbed into my arms all I could do was hold him up, but no reassurance could come from me. I could speak about it as any person of my age should, but love and death was a combination which made me stare at my own blood for hours.

I could smile, laugh, love up to the levels of family and friendship, but anything more was like a sickness plagued on me.

"Captain?"

"In here."

I slowly set down the paper I was reading from and cast a small glance over the paperwork I had to complete. What started this thought? Reading that a lower ranking shinigami was killed. I don't know what hurt the most. The fact that he had been a father of a husband.

I looked up in time to see Rukia walk in.

"Ah, what brings you here today Rukia? The weather is nice enough that I'd expect most people to be outside."

Rukia agreed with me and then nervously held her hands together.

"Is something the matter, Rukia?"

"Well, I was wondering if I could go to the human world."

"Again?"

"Yes, again."

I slowly put my hands on my lap and looked at her. I knew she befriended Ichigo and his friends, but it sometimes felt like she was too involved in that world. She was a shinigami and already spent her time alive.

"What about your duties?"

"I can manage them when I get back."

I gave a small nod as I thought back at Kaien. He was always willing to pick up my share of work when I was sick. After he died, I always had to somehow manage it myself when I felt worse than hell itself. But she was young, and she wanted to be with the people she loved. Was that so wrong?

"One week. Any longer requires you to seriously consider who will do your paperwork when you leave so often."

"Thank you."

Rukia got up and left. When the door closed I gave a dry cough. I suppose it would be one of those days for me.


	3. Chapter 3

The sun was shinning, the warm breeze ruffling each new spear of grass, the air light and the sweet smell of summer filled it. Regardless, I was so bitter there were no words for it. I stared glumly out of the window, going to the question I asked myself every year on this day. Was I upset enough to down some sake? I always seemed to have some on hand, mostly birthday gifts from Shunsui and I had no cause to drink it. No cause to drink but on this day.

I gave a small sigh and my eyesight drifted to a shelf. I slowly stood up and picked up a book. Underneath it laid a photograph.

I picked it up, running a finger through the worn edges and over the faded colors. It seemed so brittle in age, but it held all I could hold dear. The only one I could ever love. Sometimes it felt that this picture was all I could remember of her. Eyes with the colors that could make your heart melt, lips that tasted so sweet, all descriptions of her were based off me in youth and in lust. A black and white photo didn't help you remember exactly what color those eyes were. The feeling of how her body warmed me was past, the way she kissed me seemed so distant and as if a constant breeze was pushing it away from me. All I remembered was the feelings I had. Feelings everybody said would come again, but it never did.

Sometimes I realized that maybe I had over fantasied those memories. Maybe I was cheating myself out of love because of guilt. But it wasn't like anybody else had captured my heart. Maybe I was destined to be alone my entire life. And that was the reasoning which put Shunsui's birthday gifts to use.

How could I not remember those eyes which lifted my spirits so often but I always heard that desperate cry from her. Why did they have to haunt me? Hundreds of years of my mistakes, but she stood out the most. Her cry always flooded my mind with sorrow, just like Kaien's tears filled me with regret. I should have kept both of them closer to me. It was my job to protect them, and I let them fall. The blood, the cries of sorrow, that sound of their bodies hitting the ground. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to forget so badly. Dear god, I'd give my soul as long as I could rest in peace without those pleas of help. But that'd be selfish. It was all my fault, I could have protected them. But I wasn't strong enough. I fell weak the moment they needed me.  
I dropped to my knees and bowed my head, letting the photograph go. I didn't want to cry, I was too old for that. But sometimes it overwhelmed me too much.

My long hair shielded me from the scenes of the space around me and I slowly pulled off my haori. I let it fall to the ground and I undid the rest of my uniform. I needed something to soothe me. Anything. Anything for the reason I was alive and they weren't.

I opened a drawer and slowly pulled out a small knife. The silver gleamed dangerously bright in the sunlight and I closed the curtains. I turned on the lights so I would at least see the red. I took in a wavering breath, gripping the handle. I wanted to end it all, I wanted this to somehow make me equal to them, I wanted to hide from fear of what I was doing to myself.

A sob broke through my lips and tears welled in my eyes.

"Why'd you have to leave me, my darling?"

I cried out and nobody replied. I held the blade to my stomach and after a quick breath of air plunged it through the layers of skin and into the hot flesh underneath. Pain riveted up my body, causing me to give a moan. I pulled it out, my breathing hitching as I did so. I brought a hand to the wound and pressed it down, feeling the blood flow over my hands. Soon my hand became coated and I put my other one against it. Why did I stick it in so deep?

After a few more moments I realized the bleeding wasn't going to stop from simply holding the wound closed. With a pained sigh I used a bit of kidou. It healed quickly enough and I slowly lowered my hands. I felt like a cheat, a coward, and unfit to even live. At so the vicious cycle continued as I reached for the blade a second time. My blood dripped over the ground, my stomach smeared in the red. I brushed my hair behind an ear, leaving red streaks in the white.

"I'm so sorry."

I had a million apologies for a million different people. I was sorry for letting them die, sorry for whoever would find me, sorry for all my subordinates. They at least expected someone who was mentally strong. A thousand apologies, and I doubted any of them would have been accepted.

I slashed at my own leg, watching blood flow down in a steady coat. I panted and felt pain spread it's claws over my entire leg and up my torso and chest. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry. I gripped tightly at the wound until the pain made me shift around. It was too painful, especially when I could make it go away. But others couldn't escape that pain. I glanced up and caught my reflection in a mirror. I looked so pitiful, coated in blood and shaking, slouched over and crying, screaming out lines that would never get answered by the dead they were meant for.

Every shred of anger turned into anger for myself. Why did I have to live? Why couldn't I save them? I would give my life in a heartbeat to bring them back. To bring her back. The one I promised to protect and always be next to.

I could hardly see anymore, everything was a blurry shape, and I couldn't bare enough strength to hold that blade anymore. I healed the gash on my leg much to my inner detest towards the idea. Tears raced down my cheeks as I let myself sob.

I clutched at my heart, feeling the burning sensation from so much stress on it, the pain my lungs had because of my illness. Would death be too much to ask for?

"Captain?"

The voice was soft and I slowly sniffled, stopping my tears enough to speak.

"I don't want to see anybody right now."

My voice cracked and was dry. I wanted to be alone, not with anybody else. I didn't even want people around me. I got back to my feet and tossed on my shirt and pants. Just perfect, I let myself think sarcastically. The one day of the year I tell nobody to disturb me on, and somebody does so. I tried to contain myself, but this day was known among my older subordinates. It was the day I snapped at anybody for absolutely no reason, the day everyone was supposed to back away from me. A day I spent in solitude confinement after screaming at someone once. They cried right there on the spot, only furthering my hate. It was the one day in the year no one was to expect me to smile or act as sweet as I usually do. The day some described as the day I 'balanced' my personality out.

I hated myself during these times, it was when my heart showed it's darkest colors to the world. And I locked myself up for the sole reason that world was nobody but me.

I stood in front of the door, debating wether I should open it up or not. I was coated in blood after all. Then again, I could just say it was my sickness acting up. The sooner I went through this conversation, the sooner I could back to my self-loathing. And the sooner that was over the world could have move on with a normal life.  
I opened the door and tried not to show any emotions they wouldn't expect. But a smile just didn't want to come.

"Yes?"

"Ugh, Captain, are you alright? You're all bloody-"

"I'm fine, Rukia. I'd just prefer that we'd have this conversation tomorrow."

I was tearing myself to pieces on the inside. Other captains must have it so easy. They give an order and it's followed, no questions asked. If only...

"I need some advice on something and I was wondering if we could talk."

"I'm sorry, but I'm busy today."

One day in three hundred and sixty five, and she needs advice today? Life is too cruel.

"It'll just take a minute."

"... Then come in."

I opened the door and quickly collected the knife I used. I draped my haori on the floor above the blood and sat down on it, hoping it wasn't too obvious I was hiding something. I wiped my hands on my shirt as Rukia walked in.

"Captain, maybe I should get Captain Unohana. This seems to be a lot of blood."

"No, I'm fine."

Besides, I added in my thoughts, she doesn't exactly like me becoming suicidal on her watch.

"So what did you want to speak about, Rukia?"

"I don't want it to seem that I'm giving up being your lieutenant. But- I- I- want to take some time off."

"Your vacation time is up to you."

"But I was thinking like a few years off."

I gave a cough at this, feeling like I somehow must have damaged my hearing in my fit of depression.

"A few years?"

"Yes."

"But why? And do what?"

I looked up at her, she was still standing and looked quite positive in her decision. My lieutenant, leaving?

"Well, I was going to live in the human world for a year or two."

And if we could all ditch this world we would. But it's called responsibility... I must have some type of dark side during this day each year.

"But why? Rukia, your life is here. I understand if you might feel connected to that world, but please bare in mind that you belong here. You cannot-"

"Yoruichi did. And so did Urahara."

"And I don't see you getting banned from soul society."

My voice had a sharp edge to it and I slowly let out a wavering breath.

"Sorry, Rukia. I'm just, shocked... I understand what you're trying to say. But my question is still why."

"Captain, Ichigo asked me to marry him. And I said yes."

If my face could lose anymore color after all the blood loss it just did so. Marriage?

"And what if it doesn't work out? What did Byakuya say? And you're going to spend your life living with him? What about your work as a lieutenant-..."

I cut myself off. Now I was just ranting. Rukia looked wide eyed at me and I motioned towards the door.

"We'll talk later. I'm not acting too rational today.

I weakly got to my feet and went to the cabinet I kept sake in. I needed one which would make me forget everything that happened. Something strong.

I rummaged through the rows until I found one suitable. I pulled it out and poured some into a cup.

"Captain, who's this?"

I looked sideways to see Rukia holding out a photograph. The one I must have dropped before I stabbed myself.

"She- she was my friend. My lover, actually."

"She's beautiful."

"Hmm, she was compassionate, and caring for me. As if she was an angel. She was simply perfect.

"Can I meet her?"

I brought the cup to my lips and took a sip. I felt the warm liquid travel down my throat before answering that.

"She died. Exactly eight hundred years ago on this day. Eleven minutes from now to be exact."

The prettiest day in summer, the air so warm, the sun high in the sky. It glowed on her even after her end. Even though she was mangled after, I still saw her beauty. Through the blood and ripped flesh, those lips still seemed soft as I stole one last kiss. At this time eight hundred years ago we would have been talking to Shunsui and Retsu after our kiss broke. Her arms would have been around my neck, her fingertips playing on my neck. The best and worst day of my life. Exactly nine minutes of separation in between the two extremes. Two more minutes until it had started eight hundred years ago. If she saw me today, bloodied and drinking to end my sorrow, she would have cried with me. She would have begged me to make the best of life, to be happy. I'm sorry, I prayed silently, but I can't move on. So please be happy and don't look down on me in this state. I love you, and this is just proof of that.

I took another drink from the cup, realizing I just finished it off. With a sigh I poured myself another one, knowing fully well I would be drunk by the end of the day. That involved me locked in my room and coming up with white lies to tell everybody when they ask me about the sounds they heard.

"So that's why you wanted to be alone... I'm sorry. I'll see you another day to talk this over with you then."

I heard Rukia leave and I took a swing from my cup. I then locked the door and made sure the curtains were closed properly. I grabbed the bottle of sake and laid back on my bed, thoughts resting solely on the ones I lost. If only any of my makeshift solutions actually worked. I didn't have to bring them to life, I only had to end the constant state of morning I was in.


	4. Chapter 4

Two days later~

I put love and the past strictly out of my mind, concerning myself only with paperwork.

Shunsui and Retsu both visited me yesterday, helping me face the sun as they always did each year. They stopped their mourning for her ages ago, and each year they stressed that I needed to move on.

Retsu pushed the point of finding a new love to such a degree she made me moan out in agony. I only had one love. And if she was gone, so was my heart.

Shunsui then said nobody acts like that this century. I merely replied that Romeo was lucky enough to die with his beloved. He replied right back that Romeo thought he was in love with someone else, but Juliet was love at first sight. I called that madness and obviously not true love if he threw it away so quickly.

Shunsui merely sighed, making me face the sun the hard way. He quite literally threw me out a window. Friends, they kill you while they mean the very the nicest things.

After the paperwork was completed I looked outside to notice the moon was up. It cast a white glow over everything, as if washing all the pain away at once. It looked majestic and tranquil, and I found myself soon standing in it.

The night air nipped at me and I let out a sigh, breathing in the frosted air. A light rain had made it a cool transition to a colder night than usual during the summer months. I felt like I could spend the entire night soaking it up. The change of pace, the new setting of mind, it was refreshing. Maybe I should let her go. Eight centuries was surely longer than anybody can ever be expected to mourn.

As the moon placed it silky white light over me I found an inner desire to have that tranquility. Not having any worries, living each day a minute at a time.

"Hmm,"

I could hum in happiness, looking up at the silver ball which could taunt anybody it was shown to.

"I promise that tonight, I'll let the present and future come before the past. I think that'll suffice to end my melancholy."

Not to outdo myself, I sat against the wall just to stare up at the moon. I closed my eyes and felt the air chill the clothes over my body. Eventually I let my thoughts slip away, far from the silver painted land and to a much darker one.

now, I have a few ideas how to end this. Although this could end if you like it this way...

Comment and tell me ^^ or else you will be stuck with this depending on how lazy I am, whereas a comment will make me work orforget about this without the nagging feeling I should finish this.

And for all Renji x Rukia fans, there is a reason I made it Ichigo x Rukia. Explained in the ending if so is desired~

Thanks for reading this~


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